whatever it is
"Sometimes I would like to step outside of myself. I would like to watch how I get up in the morning, boiling water for tea and looking in the mirror, pinching my skin on my stomach just to reassure myself that I’m still ugly. I would follow as I cry in the shower and then swallow my vitamins with still burning hot tea, eating my breakfast and packing my bag, always checking the outer pocket to see if the tiny notebook’s still there. It always is. I would look upon myself and wonder if I do that because of a subconscious longing for something to change, or if I’m just too scared of that change actually happening.
I would be only a step behind as I watch my body walk into a crowded bus, swearing silently at myself for being the disgusting person who occupies the most space on the whole ride, and constantly flickering my gaze to make sure I do not make eye contact with anyone, scared of anyone to see. Take notice. Then, when the bus stops and I watch myself walk towards grey buildings, shoulders dropped and hands safe inside pockets, I would worry. The entire day I would worry, watching as I pace through corridors, talking to people. Laughing. I would notice the blank stare crossing my face every two seconds, as I disappear into my mind; losing it, but still talking. Laughing.
When I get home I would be standing closer to myself, studying the process that takes place as I get under a blanket, burying every cell of my body – hiding and escaping for several hours behind the back of a book, into half sleep and out again. I would watch as twilight caresses skyline, slowly turning another day into another night, while the body I know so well gets beaten in the corner of the room. Fist pushing against skin and nails carving trails along the edges of every limb, leaving memories for tomorrow to remember. I would cry now. As sleep takes over my body I would sit down on the bed beside it, gently tuck it in and softly stroke the flaming chin that’s turned red from screaming at walls. I would whisper all the things I know I need to hear; about how I am beautiful no matter what; how I cannot let the hatred filling my head take over, how I need to love more. How all my sorrows will disappear, if I could only let go of the disappointment in myself. Then I would stay there, all night, just to make sure I get through. Just to not be alone."
- B. Haeger
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